You know what? The West Wing makes me feel patriotic. I don't feel that way often, especially not when looking at the news. Normally I only feel that way when looking at history or Massachussets or Multnohmah County or San Francisco or the Supreme Court. Even then, rarely.
When I was in high school I was at a debate tournament and we started bombing Iraq. A bomb strayed into Iran, another bomb hit a hospital or something and several of us starting chanting "Go Iraq!" One of our teammates, Hassan (an Iranian), started to scold us, we mentioned the bomb in Iran he joined in. It was a joke, but it had a seriousness behind it: I wasn't proud.
I've gone from not proud under Clinton to utterly ashamed. You know what I wouldn't give to not look at the president and think that he is evil? I would desperately like to say "That man is my president" and not want to throw up.
I think I might be able to pull if off with Kerry. I know I would have been able to pull it off with Howard Dean. But right now, I don't think I could find it in myself to wish Bush well if he were shot. I don't want him shot. I don't want a collosal failure whose defeat might help cripple the Republican party for years to come (let's face it, Delay and Hastert are no Newt Gingrich. McCain could do something, but he's a "maverick", he's not the Republican party and the day he becomes the Republican party, everything changes.) to become martyred. I don't want people to remember him as a success, I want him remembered as the worst thing to happen to this country since slavery and the systematic genocide perpetuated against native americans. I WANT HIS NAME SHAT UPON IN HIGH SCHOOL CIVICS COURSES FOR CENTURIES TO COME. Seriously. I want people to look back and realize that when democracy is subverted like in the 2000 elections you get crap. I want him to be listed next to Hitler, Cromwell, our policy towards the indians and Stalin as "big fucking mistakes their countries are not really proud of in the least". There's a line in Assassins, in "The Ballad of Booth":
But traitors just get jeers and boos
not visits to their graves
While Lincoln who got mixed reviews
Because of you
John now gets only raves.
I don't want that to happen. I really don't want anyone to think Bush is a good man. Because he makes me ashamed of where I was born. I love the Constitution. I buy the Great Experiment, I buy that America is a great idea. I want to love this country. But I'm prevented from doing so because of a bunch of fucktard conservatives who seem commited to destroying it. I DON'T ENJOY THAT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.
It sucks to cry when you consider who runs your country and that you share something in common with the retards who put him there. It'd be okay if I just shook my head with disgust. I'd love to feel patriotic, but that'd be close enough right now. I can handle that. I can't handle this. I feel crappy. This sucks.
This post started out as a praising of The West Wing. It wasn't going to be about something else. But it's too late. Right now, right here, I am expecting the feeling of voting against Bush to be wonderful. I don't know. But if Bush does win. Well, I don't know what to do.